I get frustrated with myself these days, for lazing about like I do. Even though I've been used to 9-5 work for over a year now, I still tend to come home and plop in front of the tv for who knows how long. If I putter and do things worth doing -- laundry, dishwashing, and then the more soul-soothing things like writing, reading and praying -- it is always right before bed, and I try to squeeze all of those things into half an hour (or I just end up going to bed really late).
I have never, and I mean NEVER, been a morning person -- in fact, I'm almost the exact opposite of one because I like knowing that I'm sleeping the time away. Throughout my growing-up years, I asked my father to come in at least an hour before I had to be awake for school, wake me up, and tell me that I had another hour to sleep. I absolutely adore being aware of my comfort, snuggling even deeper into the sheets and savoring the safety and warmth.
Now that I'm on my own, my alarm clock does the work -- I set it for at least an hour before I need to be up. I've become a classic Snoozer, slamming that button over and over (or, well, tapping it lightly on my iphone, but you get what I mean). Sometimes the early morning news buzzes fuzzily in my ear and I just turn over again. My bedroom curtains block basically all light from the room, so sunshine doesn't do much either. Too often, I wake with a jolt and run to shower and eat, no time to relax and appreciate the early morning (but why would you do that when you could be sleeping? my sleeping-self asks).
One morning earlier this fall, I was able to convince myself to get up early and go to the gym before work. I'm not sure what made me do it, but it was a lovely feeling -- knowing that I was up before the rush began, intentionally preparing for the day and having time to myself. I even ran a couple of extra errands, all before 9 a.m. I wanted to think of it as a day that began a wonderful habit, but it hasn't happened since.
I am very good at creating goals that hang in front of my face, goals that will make me live a life that is "better" -- though sometimes I think that "better" simply translates to "more productive" or "efficient" or something of that nature. Not that it's a bad thing... I don't know. Most of these practices and habits that I want to take up would be truly life-giving, I think, like regular exercise and writing and prayer/meditation. My lazy, sleepy self allows me to always put them off, to tell myself -- albeit with a twinge of regret when I wake up too late or find myself falling asleep as the tv talks -- that I will start tomorrow.
So, this Advent I'm trying to figure out the difference between what needs to be waited for, and what doesn't -- and how to discipline myself in both directions (get up and go!/hey, calm down and be patient!). I think, maybe, not waiting to do so many of these actions will increase my appreciation and mystery of waiting for the Christ-child.
18 more days -- what am I waiting for?