Thursday, January 17, 2008

11:15 pm
first week of class is almost over, phew. i would like it to be saturday afternoon right now because then i would be in belk arena with everyone, probably a sold out crowd, cheering our cats. but tomorrow it might snow and i don't have class, and that is a fun proposition. i am listening to the choir concert from last spring, in dcpc. it reminds me of the end of last year, spring davidsonness. i like that memory. even though it was a hard time in my life in some ways, it also opened up so much for me and made me so happy. i hope that this spring is the same. this winter has started out all right... i feel that change is on the horizon in some way, if only for the annoying fact that people are going abroad next year, some for the entire year, some in the fall, some in the spring... we'll all be scattered and i don't like that feeling. and 08 is graduating, which i don't care to think about either. except that i love graduation day in itself. there is something... timeless about it, in a way. the green grass, the blue sky, chambers in the background, the stage set up... the entire lawn transformed from its usual natural beauty into this ceremonial piece. i hear names of people that i know and love, being honored with their full name, moving on... and it's sad. especially sad because these seniors are awesome and make me happy.
i feel like my life is settled right now, and yet very mixed up and confused all at once. i am so settled into being my own person, independent, able to act/be content alone in my room like i am right now. and yet i crave the love and acceptance and care of others and that feels a tad fargone at the moment. but i am waiting patiently, god. trying as hard as i can to, at least. i love everyone around me so much. and sometimes i selfishly want credit for that. that should not be the case. but sometimes it is. blechness.
as earth stirs in her winter's sleep
and puts out grass and flowers... (graves)
i can't wait for that to happen. it brings a whole new level of freshness to life. especially at greengrassyblooming north sweet caroline davidson. (note: but at the moment, small droplets of "snow" are falling outside)
i feel rooted and yet pulled up by the roots... things are changing, phases-- is that what they are? or am i just trying to make myself feel better? are they for good? who what when where WHY? what is my place right now? maybe it is right where i am... for better or worse. better, i hope and pray.
she then, like snow, like snow in a dark night
fell, fell, fell secretly
and the world waked
with the dazzling of the drowsy eye
so that some uttered
too much, too much light...
like snow, warmer than fingers feared
and to spoil,
holding the histories of the night
in yet unmelted tracks... (graves)

contemplative and hopeful and scared and frustrated out of my MIND and yet happy and wondering and pushing into and away...
it's life, i guess.

ps. don't you love how my posts have become so much more vague and abstract in college? maybe it's the academia seeping in. interesting observation, no matter what.