Wednesday, March 21, 2007

10:37 pm
i am sitting in the library at a carel (or however you spell it) and it is very quiet. i have been working on my paper for the last 2 1/2 hours and by working i mean reading and typing quotes and trying to decide what is good and what is not. it is dull tedious crap. i feel like praying in this quietness. i brought my headphones to listen to music but it would really just distract me more (Although here i am, taking a break to blog. woops.) i feel very contemplative... not confused, just very up in the air. i feel spread out over so many things and so many people and so many situations... not necessarily stretched like bilbo, but unable to devote time to things, unable to devote time to thinking and writing for myself for a good amount of the day. i have walked 6.50 miles today. i have worked out, cleaned my room, chatted with my roommate, talked in person with one of my best friends in the world whom i have known since the cradle, since before we knew each other... we talked about innocence, about difference, about how it is okay to say "i don't know." she is a person who always offers such well-thought advice, always. i hated that we only had an hour to spend. i have talked to my now 79-yr-old grandmother on the phone. i got snail mail from such a wonderful friend. i've missed calls in the library from my boyfriend. tomorrow is busy too, and the next day... now i do not know about new york. in a way i do not want to go, i really want to stay home and chill and be with my brother in his last week of school... but of COURSE i want to go, because it's new york city, where i have never ever been in my life!!!! and now it might not work out because of miscommunication. great claire. good job. i still am so confused about going abroad. i don't want emily to go second semester, i want to live with her for a whole year... i want basketball season to start now. i want stephen curry to win Socon player of the year. i want to meet him and talk to him. i want us to get to the second round of the tourney. right this second. tonight i was just randomly humming to myself ella fitzgerald, "don't cry, cry baby... you got no reason to cry... don't cry, cry baby... i never told you a lie..." and a small amount of tears actually came to my eyes. it surprised me, i didn't know that was going to happen. it doesn't normally happen with that song; it does with others, just not ella. tonight we ate chicken parm for dinner. it's the first day of spring, by the way. it was hot sometimes and chilly others. i am still always amazed at how quiet the downstairs basement of the library is. concentration and daydreaming and gosh this is such an annoying paper. it's a research paper but it's not a research paper.... wtf? i already know so much about this time period, i wish i could just absorb more and not have to look at all these huge books that are interesting, but i do not have the time to read them fully. megs said that she was missing us all, and she was sad and felt so far away. i don't want her to feel far away, nor do i want her to be far away. mollie was not far away today and it was nice. man i wish wes had not said that LW was the best musical... it WAS though. it was so good. but why on earth was it done without me??? that sounds so selfish. it is, i guess. i think g-spell was the best. the two shows are so different, one has a totally ensemble cast, no one goes offstage ever... this one was very much an individual-centered show. maybe i am just making excuses because i hate to not be a part of something that my old group does and gets praise for. they totally deserve it though. i guess i am taking this time because i feel like i know i will get this work done somehow, eventually, before it is due... i just need it to be easter. and on that subject, i have not done a very good job with lent this year. dang. emily hasn't eaten sweets for a MONTH, that is so amazing, i wish i could... but i think i would honestly be doing it more for health reasons than religious reasons. i have read the bible every night. i started by reading matthew but then i switched to reading a psalm or two a night and i like that better. i like the habit it is getting me in, even if it is a tiny bit of something before bed at one o'clock in the morning. i was thinking, sometimes i just want to be in my thirties and married and settled and relax at night in my own house with my family and sing all kinds of songs (hymns, everything) and watch good movies and have a fire in the fireplace and eat good food and know that we have each other. college seems so transient (i honestly don't even know what that means, i kind of just assumed it would fit here. so disregard if you think it has a weird meaning there.) sometimes. i could be editing a manuscript, or writing one, by the fire. where my oscar sits on the mantelpiece. my eyes still kind of feel like they're cry-y. dunno why. i like looking at pictures of high school seniors this time of year. they look young but they also look like they know they are about to leave. it's that weird kind of feeling that you are settled but you're about to be ________. and i cannot believe i'm past it. and lord lord lord these are only half of the things going around in my head. ickes.asoenserlasd. now i will maybe go print some of this stuff upstairs, then go to chambers and get my outline that dr. barnes commented on. maybe that will give me a hand with this annoying piece of homework. then i will go to the watts lounge (by the way, i hate not living on that hall because i always hear things last. i mean, i really like my hall and i love jess and my room... but i hate people having to repeat things for me. it sucks. and feeling so out of the loop. damn.) and watch "the one where everyone finds out" and chandler will say "LOVE, that's right, i love her, I. LOVE. HER!" and i will think, aww, yay, i have watched this so many times and it is still enjoyable, and damn, i still have work to do even though i have worked all of this time. (except for the last 15 minutes.)

No comments: