Saturday, September 24, 2005

4:15 pm
i am frustrated. does everyone want to know why i am frustrated? i am assuming you do otherwise you would not be reading this.
well the main thing is that i wanted to go to floatbuilding today but now i can't. palmer and grivas and some other people all told me that i should which i thought was really nice and cool and i thought i should do it since i'm a senior and all. so i said maybe i would come after the ACT today. well i got home and i was tired and kind of nervous of feeling left out if i went, even if megan and robby were there, because i felt left out the last time i went 2 years ago. granted i didn't know as many of the other people that well.
but i was v. indecisive and tired so i took a nap. i woke up like 20 minutes ago and mom and dad said they were doing errands in the other part of town so they probably wouldn't be able to take me, and also, who would get me to the party tonight? and i kept oscillating between "yes! i'll go and i'll make myself have fun no matter who is there and it'll be really neat and i'll be proud of myself for going" and "nah, it's too much of a burden on other people, plus gas is up, plus i'll be rushing from the party with no time to go home." and i guess the latter won out bc my parents just left and i didn't go with them.
i just feel like a baby because i couldn't decide and i am unable to get myself there since i don't have my license yet. i hate having to ride the bus home from school because i feel like such a little kid. all of my other friends have cars that they drive home and they can leave whenever they want and they talk about cars and where they drive and where they go all the time and it is so ANNOYING. i just feel so left out of that whole circle. it makes me feel very un-seniorish. like a fake one, honestly. i can't gloat at the fact that i am one of the older ones in my class due to the fact that like everyone months younger than me can drive. i am really disappointed in myself and just feel like a little kid. i am stuck at home with another car in the driveway that i could use if i had my license. i feel really, really stupid.
i also realize that when i want something but it's not maybe the best thing, i tend to act like "ehh, i wanted it, but it's not that important, don't worry about it," in an attempt to reverse psychologize and get the person (mainly parents) to change their minds. i think this is sick, really. but i do it, and i do it kind of a lot. and i don't like it and i feel bad because of it. i should have just told them that i wanted to go and i'd find some way to get to the party. but instead i was like, "oh, don't worry about it, i'm sure i'll go another day." and so they don't worry about it. bc i told them not to. i guess-- and this is something weird-- sometimes i just like feeling sorry for myself. i have NO IDEA WHY. i mean, really, does that make any sense whatsoever? no. why does a person want to be sorry for themselves? it's kind of disturbing to me when i think about it. i think, deep down in the core, maybe... but god knows, here i am psychoanalyzing myself or whatever, where billions of people can read it... that i feel like it's a GOOD thing that i'm saying "oh, this indulgence or that indulgence (bc a lot of times, honestly, it can have to do with food... how silly is that???) isn't that important," because it makes me feel more like i'm a good person and i am turning down something that i don't need. even though i really want it. and i don't really feel like i'm doing it out of the kindness of my own heart because i feel disappointed afterwards because i didn't get it. so does that make sense? i think it kind of does.
while we're on a venting warpath here, i also hate how i live so far away from my friends. i mean, not FAAAR far away, but like 15-20 minutes; a substantial distance. they all (all = everyone except melissa, martha, and robby, basically) live close together and can go walking at night, go get ice cream, go over to each other's houses on weeknights, etc. etc. etc. i feel so left out of that. and i really like where i live. it would be really weird to live somewhere else. but i love where they live too, and they live close to everywhere that i go-- school and church and them (except for M, M, and R). that feels very ehhh. i miss my girls too.
AND, finally, why were people so quick to get on kr about not grading our stuff? i wanted to hit something, i was so angry. her mother just DIED. she does not have to be here and yet she IS. she is worried that she is like a "failure" because she cannot plan well for all four of her classes. and as palmer said, she is the hardest working teacher in this school just because of her workload and her in-depth classes. her students have no right to complain about her not grading stuff. it is NOT the same as having homework and how dare she be compared to anyone else who has gone through a trauma? everyone reacts to death differently, and how can totally different situations be compared? it was bullshit, and it made me really pissed off. maybe it's because i talk to her during second period and she mentions it sometimes. but i feel completely ready to come to her defense for just about anything right now.
so, arrgh. oh, and i can't do my oral commentary until next monday because school got cancelled for monday and tuesday because our governor wants to preserve gas bc of the hurricane. which normally i would shout hallelujah about, and i am overall, but i also really wanted to get my commentary over with.
i hope that i can relax and enjoy the party tonight. this is supposed to be a good weekend and i hope that it is. well, i already went to the braves game last night and it was really, really great. we came from behind! and we had 12th row seats behind home plate bc of my uncle's company. i always like going with daddy. :) anyway, i hope that i can try to stop feeling sorry for myself bc it is just pathetic.
and it is now 4:55 pm. just so you know how long it has taken me to write this.

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Carmen said...

claaaaire. pooor claire. sok claire cause i can't drive... i am sure that is so incredibly comforting to you. well, if it makes you any better when i turn on my fan it makes the whole light fixture shake and my theory is soon it will fall and kill someone. i should prolly turn it off. but it's sooo hot! ok, the end.

julia said...

YOu tell 'em woman. Your amazing. and i miss you. and one thing i like about college is no car.

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