Monday, December 08, 2003

5:16 pm
still not feeling great. terrible, in fact. why do i have to feel this unhappy???? i hate it!!!!! i am normally a happy person and right now i am not. crying makes me feel better but worse at the same time. ahhhhck. it all feels like being punched in the stomach. every single part of it. and i DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SWIM PRACTICE uhnnnnnnnn. i want to go to sleep and i want it to be june 15th again so i don't have to start something that turned out to be soooo damn complicated and upsetting. but it was sooooo much fun. and it's so hard for me to think of that. i led myself on in a sense. but now i can't think of all that happy stuff because now it's not happy, it's the exact opposite. it depresses me even more. i am so tired. i don't want to be upset during christmas. i love christmas. everybody will be home and all that good stuff. but... this really weighs on my brain. it is so good to have friends like mollie and marty and em and allie to be there but it's still verrry hard. i had more fun last night than i thought i would but it was still not as fun as it would have been 3 weeks ago. this was all just very, very surprising. i realllllly want it to be december 19. verrry much so. and now life has been not really boring, but abnormally sorrowful. and not for a huge reason. just not exciting but not normal either. hard to explain. i try but i cannot be a strong woman when i remember song lyrics like
~i love him
but when the night is over
he is gone
the river's just a river
without him
the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers...~
TIME.... PLEASE HELP ME TO GET THROUGH THIS! it is so difficult right now. i want to strangle anyone who gets his grin first instead of me. not really. but i'm really jealous. and i shouldn't be. i feel really selfish and possessive and i shouldn't be because i have no claim. but i feel i should and i feel i do.
please please please god i need so much help right now.
but anything is possible(?)

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