Saturday, December 06, 2003

10:20 pm
i do not want to write at all.
i don't feel like it.
i feel terrible.
not physically. well, my physical state does not help, considering i have a cold.
but mentally, i feel disgustingly awful.
my eyes are so sore and red.
damndamndamndamndamndamn
it's not as big a deal as you think at all,
so please don't think i'm dying or someone else has died or anything.
it's nothing time won't heal.
but god, it hurts.
i thought...
well, i thought a lot of things.
i thought a lot of things were possible.
i thought they even SEEMED possible,
even worked the way i thought they would!!
and i thought that they did. for awhile.
apparently not.
apparently my mind was wrong.
i know life is not fair, i know it.
but WHY THIS????
i will not be cruel.
i will not shout at God
or anyone else.
i know stuff happens for a reason.
i won't be seeking revenge or hold a grudge.
(i don't think)
i will be calm.
but i will be hurt. very hurt.
i want to leave the house tomorrow
a strong young woman,
who knows that even though life doesn't always go her way,
she's got God and she's got friends and she's got family to see her through.
but she doesn't have who she wanted.
she doesn't have who she thought she would get.
instead, someone else has him.
and the worst part?
it was his choice, not hers.

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