one day last year, my dearest, dearest older brother david told me to embrace change. i think it was when we were moving or something. anyway, he said that and i've tried. and i am still going to try. i know that he can adapt probably a bit better than i can cause he's had to deal with a lot more- college, etc, and he enjoys it. i hate change so much. sooooooosoooosooo much. i was so terribly sad when he left last year, and eric too. and i knew that no matter who left, be it katie or flo or whoever, that austin, buffy, di, and alex would ALWAYS be there for me. always be there to make me laugh like they all do, or to talk to, or just to hang out with and perform with and enjoy. but now they're not. they're all gone off to college. and i have cried twice. crying is good for me, it gets it all out, but it still doesn't change that fact that we're not in the past anymore. and i hate that. i hate it so damn much. i don't WANT it to be the past forever, but i... just want things to be the same. moreover, i want the people that i love around with me all the time, and sure, i have plenty of them... but my college bros. and sises are soooooo important to me. they may not realize it, they may want to go live their lives without me in a new place, blah blah blah but i am a compassionate person and these people matter so much to me. i want them to be happy. and i quote this darn song a whole darn lot but "the hardest part of love is the letting go." and i HATE HATE HATE that. that's not how i want it to be! i want it to be that we love them so much and that is it. we are always there for them and THAT'S the hardest part... but it's not. and now i'm writing weird stuff but oh well. whenever they come back, it's not the same, and it's never going to be the same.. i spose that's the hardest part for me to accept. that it is NEVER- never, such a big, important, all-encompassing word- going to be the same. more and more people are going to leave, my dear chris is going to leave, what am i going to do then? it fills my heart to see these people every week... and now they're all leaving. i remember at the choir concert in may singing "my shepherd will supply my need" and when i got to the line "my cup with blessings overflows thine oil annoints my head" i was so happy because david was home and all my friends were up there... and my cup was overflowing. and it still does, but when i can't see these people, it's harder to realize. i guess that's it really.
and also, school. today was registration day. i have a fairly good schedule. megs is in math with moi again! YAY! more math sessions at the megs' house. plus, she's coming to spend the night tomorrow. yay!!!!! then billy brown... good break before the grind... god. i miss all the non-seniors!!! cause they're not seniors anymore. it was soooooo strange to see new freshmen and NOT the "seniors". I MISS THEM SO BADLY! they were awesome. hmph... like i said, and i shall reiterate again, I HATE CHANGE. mase and andrew need the phone, so more later. 2 phone lines or dsl would be nice... oh yeah, and jessie sent me this, it helped my mood a bit:
Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?", or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck," says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
I LOVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS SO MUCH. SOMETIMES IT'S HARD FOR ME TO TELL THEM BUT I DO. GOD PLEASE LET THEM KNOW THAT I DO.