Sunday, November 17, 2002

10:03 pm
i am printing stuff for my bio poster due tomorrow.. grr. and thinking. hard. about swim team. you know i am really not enjoying myself. i don't think. i mean, yeah, it feels good when i am outta the pool and i'm all exercised and stuff. it's annoying and painful in the pool and the other coach besides ms. giguere yells a lot. i mean he's a nice guy and stuff but i don't like yelling. i am sort of thinking of quitting, WHICH I HATE. oh i can torture myself to death about stuff like this and it is reallllly bad. really really bad. i don't want to dissapoint people or myself but i really don't want to do it. but i really do not want to disappoint my friends or family. at all. they may not care actually but i have told a lot of people and i was proud of myself for doing it but now the first meet is on thursday and i am scared out of my mind and i miss wed. night supper and having time at home and i am just not comfortable swimming. ohhh i am afraid people will think i am a quitter and a person who gives up easily, i am so afraid of that. i mean i have not quit yet but i am seriously contemplating it. oh you guys (whoever is reading this out there) i have so many people that i care about so much and i don't want them to think less of me, i am so scared of that. i keep repeating myself. jeeez i hate this so much. so so so much. god. i was talking about how my reward for being on the swimteam would be my picture in the yearbook but now i am thinking that would be bad because they already took yearbook pictures and if i didn't finish the season i would feel like i didn't deserve my picture in there. i really only am doing it for the exercise, not the competition, not times, not to get to state or county or whatever. oh i hate it when i try to make decisions, i hate it so much. i despise this. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhohhhhhhhhhhhhh this sucks like hell. dammitdammit. and i am working on this poster and it is LATE and i want to SLEEP and not go to school tomorrow and not have swim practice and feel good about myself and have fun and have no homework... and have it snow and drink peppermint hot chocolate from starbucks and watch "friends" videotapes and have people over and have long letters and emails and go to church and have college people home and go to the club and go to my grandparents' house for dinner with all my family there and never worry about this crap again. and sit on my bed and read "foxtrot" and not have this stupid poster to do at 10:15 at night when i am totally wiped and still have to make my lunch. and i don't want mom to go to new york from wed. to sat. because i am going to miss her like crazy. oh my lordie why do i have to not like swim team? stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. hmph.

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